Monday, September 1, 2014

I know this blog has changed very much since I started it
I know that perhaps the people that used to read it may had stopped reading it now
Perhaps due to change of content, change of interest or other commitments
But I just want to thank you very much
Especially Fluffy Snorlax and anonymous anon

I took the time to organise this blog and all the posts and comments
I may have read one or two along the way because I've never quite had the time to read all
But then now I realised that I've never been alone
All this while you guys have been checking up on my virtual diary and supporting me from afar
Especially you Nirupa
Even though we're not exactly very close friends and in real life we're pretty awkward
Thank you for stepping out and caring about me

And thank you anons for your kind words
Even though I wasn't able to see it then
It's still  great encouragement right now
Because I don't know,
Many have said I handle myself much better
Deep down inside I feel the same
I may busy myself with many more commitments
In the dead of the night
I am reduced to who I was last year
I am reduced to who I was the year before
I am reduced to the same person who's lost and tired and afraid
Wishing for everything to end

Even though I've V now
And he is someone that can't understand
Not out of ignorance, but because he simply can't
And many times he unintentionally provokes me
And I'll erupt into an explosion of unexplainable emotions in a solution of tears
And he doesn't deserve to have to go through all this
It's really hard and I want to give up on us all the time
So that he can look for someone better
Because he can always look for someone better
Because he is so much better

Dear anon(s),

Thank you very much.
You might not know me personally to have been able to comment such kind words
But these words mean a lot
I hope you are doing well
I will pass the kindness on
I love you all


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

It's not fair that I've to undergo more stress than you regarding competition. Because you're universally biologically more attractive than me. And you're sociable and popular and genuinely nice to everyone and you don't see what's coming. You never do. 
Whereas I'm less sociable and less popular and so I'm not attractive but still you put so many reigns over me while you roam free. It's not fair. I can't stand this.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

He was the day and I was the night
He was hopelessly 
And I was dull and dark, 
consuming and enveloping everything around me
People loved him 
for the light he brought
And basked in the warmth he gave

I died every

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

i don't see why you want to be with me
when you're surrounded by so many far more compatible and beautiful people
who are for better people than i am
the only reason i can see
it's because I'm easy

I'm sad
I'm dark and brooding
I'm an introvert that has been lonely for quite some time
And so we stick to whoever avails themselves to us
Which happened to be you
and you feel good about yourself
good samaritan
and it's a moral boost
because you're the more attractive of us two

i hate that i love you
i hate that i don't understand you
i hate that all i want is for you to be happy
i hate that i know that if you asked me to jump off a building, I'd actually do so
i hate that i can't feel that love you say you have for me
i hate that I'm making you miserable
i hate that i know for a fact you're better off with almost everyone else
i hate that you don't understand me
i hate that we're so different
i hate myself

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Your smell consumed
My sheets, my room,
My everything

Friday, August 8, 2014

I think this post is needed very much. For me to look back and reflect what's gone wrong on my part, what I've seen gone wrong, for very close or stalkerish friends to find out what's going on, for friends of his who might stalk me to this page, and for my Sunshine, if you stalk me to this site and want any answers to questions you might have regarding my sadness about us.
Or if I end up breaking up with you in the future.

S is a very different person from me. He is outgoing, sporty, friendly, attractive and popular. He's the type of guy that loves Avicii and One Republic and lives freely with his milk tea. Many people love him because he's a great friend to everyone. He's the one that settles misunderstandings between friends. He's the one who will accompany you to a concert he isn't really interested in because nobody will. He's the one that walks you home and makes sure you're safe all the time. He's the one they call at 11pm when they have boy problems and he'll go straight to them and talk to them for 3 hours before leaving, and finding out that public transport is no longer available and have me fret over him. He's the one that says yes to his friends, because they're important and they matter to him.

I felt like he loved me and I loved him. But I never quite knew if he liked me or loved me.

I am your girlfriend, you say. Is that so? Because you pretty much spend most of your time trying to hide that fact. To get you to acknowledge that, I tried to clarify with you who I am to you and if we were together. To answer that, you didn't. You avoided the questions entirely.

This caused the foundation of our relationship to be a series of doubts if I created this relationship out of my own wishful thinking. I still wonder about that now.

We asked each other what did a girl or boyfriend mean to us. You said that it was bringing our friendship to the next level. Honestly, I don't see much of a next level. Maybe it's just a .5 upgrade that's all. Bonus being priority service and longer time and SLIGHTLY more intimate and physical touch (which honestly feels like it's more to your benefit than mine). When you said bringing our friendship to the next level, I expected you to trust me like how I trust you. With your joys and your sadness and challenges so that I can encourage and spur you on like how you do for me. And though you may have things you don't want to share. I don't want to know everything. I might even be better of not knowing your about your brother's underwear. But I just wish that you'd share things with me. Like how you got into the games committee for the year end camp.

Sure, he may walk me home, give nice hugs and tell me that he loves me but at the same time he's rubbing another girls's legs and planning to go to a club. And so I never really knew (and I still don't really know) if he loves me as he says he does, or if he just liked me and thought he loved me. Because sure, he may be by my side wiping my tears in silence and I cry silently over the things that weigh me down, but he does that to other people too. So really, how different am I from your other friends.

And because of our vast differences, very often, I feel as if I'm restricting him from the things he enjoys like games and loud music and parties and his many groups of friends because I am not that kind of person. I like to be alone or at most have a one to one chat over a meal. I like to sleep or go online or read and people-watch. And while he likes to sleep and eat and go online, he has other things he enjoys more than those and he does forsake that to spend that time with me. And while we both may have things we would both like to do, we are unable to do it because of the limits I have set by my parents that he doesn't.

To create a metaphor, I'm a fish and he's a frog. I spend my time in my element, and he dabbles in both. Due to our relationship, he spends more time with me in the water. Though frogs can breathe through their skin, absorbing oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide, it's only enough to support resting needs. When they are active, they must supplement gas exchange by gulping air into their lungs. And so, I am slowly drowning him due to my lack of a need for air.

Fact is, I had the undeniably best time with S. Because I love him, I constantly feel the need to set him free because he doesn't see his death oncoming. But because I know his greatest fear, I know that he'll be unable to see it as I do and it might cause more harm.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Great job ruth
Great job
Great job pushing away the only person who actually shows that he cares for you
Great job leaving him confused and upset as usual
Great job treating people important to you like crap
Great job