Sunday, September 21, 2014

Gritting my teeth and holding back bile after I've made what is probably the greatest mistake I can make.

I'm sorry.

Friday, September 19, 2014

When you keep speaking of our future together
Of how we're going to have kids and a family and a home
It's great really, it's a nice thought that not many guys think and like to talk about
And I'd like it to happen too
But I'll just think of all the times you'll keep unintentionally hurting me
Over and over and over
Because I'm just too sensitive and you're not sensitive enough


So as much as I like to,
 I can't see it happening
I'm sorry

Monday, September 15, 2014

Yeah so I'm just not good enough and up to what you deserve 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

il mio amore vuole fede
The attention I pay is dreadful.
I observe and process the smallest and most painfully irrelevant details 
I ponder over it and break it down and look into it so deeply

And I see things

That probably don't matter to others 
That nobody else cares about
That most simply brush off and ignore
But I don't
I can't

I get excited or upset over these minuscule things
I laugh and cry and celebrate and scream over them
That nobody understands

And it's awful

Because I've just been praying and hoping and wishing
That perhaps, just maybe, that there's a slight chance
There'll be someone else out there doing the same to me

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Well done Ruth 
Fucking great job you did there
Only you are capable of such fucked up shit

Monday, September 1, 2014

I know this blog has changed very much since I started it
I know that perhaps the people that used to read it may had stopped reading it now
Perhaps due to change of content, change of interest or other commitments
But I just want to thank you very much
Especially Fluffy Snorlax and anonymous anon

I took the time to organise this blog and all the posts and comments
I may have read one or two along the way because I've never quite had the time to read all
But then now I realised that I've never been alone
All this while you guys have been checking up on my virtual diary and supporting me from afar
Especially you Nirupa
Even though we're not exactly very close friends and in real life we're pretty awkward
Thank you for stepping out and caring about me











And thank you anons for your kind words
Even though I wasn't able to see it then
It's still  great encouragement right now
Because I don't know,
Many have said I handle myself much better
Deep down inside I feel the same
I may busy myself with many more commitments
In the dead of the night
I am reduced to who I was last year
I am reduced to who I was the year before
I am reduced to the same person who's lost and tired and afraid
Wishing for everything to end



Even though I've V now
And he is someone that can't understand
Not out of ignorance, but because he simply can't
And many times he unintentionally provokes me
And I'll erupt into an explosion of unexplainable emotions in a solution of tears
And he doesn't deserve to have to go through all this
It's really hard and I want to give up on us all the time
So that he can look for someone better
Because he can always look for someone better
Because he is so much better



Dear anon(s),

Thank you very much.
You might not know me personally to have been able to comment such kind words
But these words mean a lot
I hope you are doing well
I will pass the kindness on
I love you all

Ruth